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One guy begins his introductory essay, "When I was a child, I witnessed a clown jump to his death from a seven-story building. It was the only time a clown has made me laugh." So I write him back on behalf of Michelle: "You're funny, but too dark for a sweet girl like me." Both of which are true. A few days later, he changed his profile to an essay about his love of Care Bears and snuggling. I have too many bad associations of men in skirts -- Benny Hill, Uncle Milty, Idi Amin. Maybe some chocolate syrup." I just want to open the door, not get too graphic. Now, I'm sure Redbook has run a thousand articles about how even Gisele has insecurities about her body. I couldn't even look him in the eyes." a second date with the rocker, at a Thai restaurant. It comes too early, just ninety minutes after the date.Of course, she only made the offer because she knew there was no chance Michelle would ever be interested. • If the guy is wearing sunglasses, any hat besides a baseball cap, or is bare chested in his main photo. Yes, at first I feel guilty about failing to respond to 70 percent of these guys. And in a way, it makes me feel better about my life as a single man. He's got a warm, unforced smile, and he's humble, but not falselyhumble. It's an amazing ego massage, sending e-mails as a beautiful woman. I type one moderately witty thing -- not even moderately witty -- and I'm fucking Stephen Colbert. His opening photo shows him with his arm around a pretty woman with large breasts, as if to say, "I hang around with hot, large-breasted women, so if you are a hot, large-breasted woman, you should also hang around with me." He likes to "work hard and play harder." He is "VERY spiritual." Michelle is not a handful. I think the fucker is employing an underhanded strategy. [increasingly graphic description here of the licking] also...i really want to see more photos." I write back: "I'm afraid there's been a terrible misunderstanding. I feel guilty enough to write a softening note to the TV guy -- who had apologized for making me feel dirty. As in: "You are a very pretty lady." "I think you are very attractive." "You look very pretty."I've been approached by more than six hundred men, and that's one of the big themes I've discovered in their method: Cut to the chase. No one can believe quite how beautiful my nanny is. I'd be her online bouncer, bodyguard, censor, and Cyrano. (And mind you, I did type in the essay and clean up her grammar.) Esquire Editor-at-Large A. Jacobs is the author of A Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible. Michelle has given me permission to reject the guys who are clearly wrong. I zap him back, "Sorry guvnor, no plans to come over there." I liked my response. The cute scientist with the Prince Charles ears, the guy from Long Island with eight siblings. I spend an hour crafting personal rejection notes to yesterday's discard pile. ("Chemestry is important.") I don't want to be a spelling snob, but the first word? Then he concludes: "..you'd like to continue the fantasy by telling me how you'd react..."Okay. Though a little bit like a douchebag in my own right. J." and begs her to "come out an play." I don't respond. In a last-minute panic attack out of Three's Company, I call Michelle to tell her she went to a Super Bowl party. He's very sweet." I feel giddy enough to do an actual fist pump. She's sweet, funny, has a smile straight out of a cruise-line commercial, and wears adorable tank tops. I'd sign her up for a dating site, create a profile, sift through her suitors, and cowrite her e-mails. ("I want someone who will make me laugh at the littlest thing.") We clicked her preferences (fish and dogs are the best pets) and uploaded seven smiley, PG-rated photos with nothing more risqué than an exposed shoulder or two. Not quite Huffington Post numbers but brisk traffic. Still, it's an exhilarating feeling to be so desired, if only by proxy. The next day, I show Michelle a half dozen men with potential. After forty-five minutes of boyfriend shopping, Michelle leaves with our son for a trip to the museum. (One enthusiast wrote: "Hello there beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!! ") • If the guy misspells the first word of his introductory essay. I know you're turned on because your nipples are so hard...." It continues with a graphic description of things she does to the audience. I take the offensive."I found your fantasy disturbing on many levels. I felt like you were exhibiting me to other men like a piece of meat. But i think its best if we end our conversations here."I feel gleeful about punishing this guy. She's usually much shyer than the hybrid we've created. But no, Michelle told me she actually made herself act less shy to conform to her online self. ' And I made him turn around in a circle before I said, 'Not bad.' " I'm psyched. Michelle doesn't yet know if the chemistry is there, but the rocker is definitely worth a second date. I love being married -- I love its depth and comfort -- but I miss the crush. watchmeontelevision, you don't get to feel the rush of the crush.
It's like giving me permission to become a linebacker for the Dolphins. So my wife and I decided to help her find a boyfriend. He said Michelle is "funny, intelligent, caring AND gorgeous." It's not always adulation, though. One writes that he wants to know more about Michelle, but adds, "I can tell from your profile that sometimes you're a handful." That's annoying. It's about a nebbishy guy who decides to become the world's greatest pickup artist, and it became exceedingly popular with a certain type of single man. I respond: "I was wondering if your first email was a neg." A "neg" is pickup patois for the mild insult. And yes, I have read the book." Thus commences a flurry of e-mails arguing whether his line qualifies as a neg. i just didn't give u details about how romantic the dinner was...photo? As if he'd only thrown in a description of the tablecloth before the graphic licking it would have been okay.
Even for people like me who the whole dance and the chase and the thrill of the new, there will be points when you really just want to take a step back from it for a while and catch your breath and let your ego recover from the beatings that tend to come with it. But just as when you’re trying to meet your future snugglebunny the old-fashioned way, it’s important to understand the potential headaches that come with those marathon OKCupid sessions.
Many of the things that drive people away from online dating can be headed off at the pass with some preparation.
"Never will we stand together in Amsterdam looking at Vermeer's Woman Pouring Milk. I will never hold Michelle's hand, either, aside from in a game of ring-around-a-rosy.
The power of a beautiful woman's words is beginning to scare me. Did we not talk enough about reef decay in Honduras?